Figuring it Out

Harper has been here for almost six weeks. In that time we have slowly started to figure each other out. To be honest, I thought I'd be terrified...scared of feeding her too little/too much, scared of hurting her little belly button, scared of that little floppy head of hers, scared of driving with her in the car...scared of not being a good mom.

I had everything ready for her when she arrived...some might say I was a little over prepared (Me? Over prepared? Never...ha!). I started her nursery in January; her crib was up by April; I read three different books throughout the course of my pregnancy (they all said the same thing...we heard it again in our childbirth class...the same. exact. thing.); I couldn't stop worrying about whether or not she had enough clothes (believe me, she does). I just wanted to be "ready".

I was "ready" to physically have a baby in the house; or at least my house was ready to have a baby in it. Past that...I had no idea how "having a baby in the house" was going to change our lives. You can't prepare for that. You know it's going to change your life, but exactly how is totally unpredictable.

Then you go home...and you start living. Life is totally different than when you left to head to the hospital two days before, but it's living all the same. You don't stop to think about feeding her too much/too little, she'll tell you when she's had enough or is still hungry. You stop being so gentle during the diaper changes and stop worrying about that ugly little umbilical stump because the more time you spend without the diaper on, the bigger the chance that she'll poop all over again while she's waiting on you. You don't even think about that wiggly wobbly little head of hers, because you're holding on so tight you know whatever way it might bobble isn't going to hurt her...it might shock you both, but it won't hurt her. You get in the car without thinking because you've got places to be, people to show her off to...and then you're there, without even thinking that you actually just drove with her...on the road....with other cars...big ones...going fast. You're just happy to be out of the house.

You start to figure each other out. What each cry means...what position she prefers...when she's ready to get up/lay down/sit upright...you don't think about these things, you just figure it out. Trial and error. Guessing. Making mistakes. However it happens, you just do it. I guess that's what people call parenting.

This is the "I'm content in this position...for now" look.

I knew all along I'd be able to do it...that with help, I'd be just fine. And fortunately, I'm not so scared anymore. I know I'll make mistakes, that I'll guess wrong; but Harper will be okay. And the things I can't change (we know there will be some of that too) will only help make me stronger, a better mom. I know she's going to cry, she's going to change her mind and her routine, she's going to get hurt. But I'll be there for her when she does. And really...that's all Harper needs right now. Someone to be there. To pick her up when she's fallen, to hug her and listen to her when she's sad, to figure it out when she doesn't know how to put it into words.

This is the "Stop taking my picture and get me back inside where it's cool" cry.

We'll be there--Neal and I, and all of you who love her. That's the best thing about this whole parenting thing...we're not alone. Thank God.