Once again, my favorite stranger blog got me thinking. She asked, “If you had to focus on one word for 2012, what would it be?” This was actually really easy for me to answer. And if I stop to think about it, I don’t like that it was so easy for me. That means I’ve been thinking about it too much.
I’ve had a hard time recently finding my “niche” as a new stay at home mom. I’m not the crafty stay at home mom (although I do have two craft projects going...both sort of at a stand still right now though, ha!). I’d prefer not to be a “stay at home all day every day” sort of stay at home mom. I’m never going to be the stay at home mom that spends all sorts of money putting my kid in all sorts of programs so that I really don’t have to actually spend time with my kids. But I’m also not the go-getter, put myself out there, call up everyone I know and have a playdate kind of stay at home mom either. Although, that’s the kind I want to be.
Ever since I left the small pond of Panhandle and entered the big sea called College, my ability to meet new people or put myself out there has really sucked. In college, I swore I was going to meet new people and not just hang out with “Panhandle People” (uh, can you say snob?). Well, as it turns out, I didn’t. And I hated my first two years of college because of it.
I’m not the kind of person who when I get bored, I think of something I want to do and call around until I find someone to go do it with me. In fact, most of the time I’m pretty content just sitting at home being bored (What’s the saying? Only the boring are bored? Something like that...). But I hate that about myself. Even with my best friends...I just wait around until one of them calls me to do something, and then I immediately drop the absolutely nothing I’ve been doing all day and jump on the opportunity to hang out with my girlfriend(s). What's ridiculous is that I've also turned down so many of those invitations for no good reason that it's a wonder they still want to be friends with me.
So...I want to be more of a doer. Granted, there is definitely a fine line here between being a doer, and being too busy. I don’t want to over-“do” it here. I want Harper to keep her naps; I want to be able to play with Harper, just the two of us sometimes; I don’t want to over commit to where I don’t enjoy the things I’m doing. But it shouldn’t be everyone else’s job to entertain me.
This is even more important now that Harper is here. I want her to meet new people, to be comfortable in new situations, to be a doer herself. I’ve gotten better, too. Instead of sitting at home now, just the two of us, we’ll get out and go to Baby Bounce at the library or walk down to the park (yes, it’s January and we’ve been playing at the park...it’s been gorgeous here). But it’s still just the two of us more often than not. Yes, we have playdates occasionally, and yes, we have MOPS meetings we go to; but I’m finding lately that I need more. I need more adult interaction. I need more fellowship. I need to feel a part of something. I need to know I’m doing everything I can to give Harper everything she needs to be the person I want her to be (and, let’s be honest here...so I can be the person I want to be).
So what’s the one word I’m going to focus on for 2012? It could be confidence. It could doing. I think I’m going to go with relationships, though. Because I know that there are women out there who can enrich my life and Harper’s. I know that some of these women are a part of my life already, women that I already love and respect and look forward to hanging out with more often; but I also know that there are others that I haven’t met yet (or haven’t gotten to know) somewhere out there (hopefully with kids Harper’s age) who will help me be the best stay at home mom I can be. Because it takes a village, right?
*edit: After writing this post last night, I told myself that I was going to go to the Mommy and Me playdate at the church where we attend MOPS this morning...no backing out. And wouldn't you know it, my old self started to seep in as we were backing out of the driveway. " I'm scared...I"m not going to know anyone...Who am I going to talk to...We should probably just stay home..." BUT I sucker punched my old self, and went anyway. Even though there was only one other mom there, I"m still so glad we went. Harper engaged with the little boys that were there, and I got to talk to two women who I normally wouldn't have introduced myself to in a different situation. So even though I would've been completely content staying home and playing with Harper...I'm focusing on being relational. It's going to be a good year.