It’s been twenty-three years since my mom passed away. I miss her on special occasions and anniversaries, etc., but I was only four when she died. I’ve spent 86% of my life without her, so the normal day passes usually without much thought of how much I miss her. Don’t get me wrong, I have her picture everywhere and I think of her everyday, but I don’t miss her on a daily basis, if that makes sense.
However, when I found out I was pregnant with Harper, for the first time in many many years, I missed my mom every single day. I wanted to share every part of this experience with her. I was her baby having a baby. I wanted to tell her about the first time I felt Harper kick; ask her questions about each of her pregnancies; I wanted to go shopping with her for my baby girl. For the first time in a long time, I thought about how jealous I was of those other women out with their moms...shopping, laughing, giddy with excitement for this new blessing about to enter the world. There were days when I would cry, longing for my mom (I’d blame it on the hormones, but I think it was just plain sadness).
|That's me in that belly...|
Harper will never meet her Granny Laurie, so I can’t explain how important it is to me that she knows her Granny Laurie. I want her to know how kind she was; what her laugh sounded like; I want her to know how hard she fought to beat the cancer, and when she knew she wouldn’t, that her faith in God was stronger. I want her to know how much she loved her babies, and how much she would have loved watching Harper grow up.
The only way I know these things, honestly, is not because I remember her, but because my family has done such an incredible job showing me who my mom was, helping me get to know the woman who was my mom. I only have a couple of personal memories of my mom; she got sick when I was only two. Most of the stories I have about her are someone else’s memories. But I’ll take whatever I can get. And I’ll share them all with Harper, because I want her to know this woman who was her grandmother.
**For the record, Harper does not hand out kisses. I've gotten kisses maybe twice. But she finds and gives this picture of my mom kisses every. single. time. It gets me every time.